It never ceases to amaze me how many of my fears and anxieties are purely figments of my imagination. My brain has a knack for taking random bits of unrelated data and stringing them into scenarios where something bad just has to happen. I’ve been doing some reflection on this lately and it seems that many of these scenarios are really ego based and quite silly when you get down to it. Like the Nine of Swords in the Tarot, the things that are freaking me out are my own thought creations and I have just as much power to remove them as I did in creating them.
This all became amazingly clear at the family reunion I went to yesterday. I had not seen many of my family members for a couple years at least and a lot of things have changed in my life over that time. Many of these changes involve diverting from the religious and social paths that my family was raised on. I was also going to be seeing a family member that I had hurt deeply and have not spoken to since our falling out. For the week or so leading up to the reunion, my mind was spinning all sorts of weird scenarios where I was going to get called out on my spiritual practices or taken to task for things I had done and said in the past.
When I got to the event, an amazing thing happened. Nothing. Everyone was happy to see each other and just get caught up on life. Memories were shared about the grandparents, new experiences were discussed with the kids, food and fun was had by all. There were no grand reconciliations but there was no fighting or awkwardness that I had feared either. Everything seemed pretty much normal, at least as normal as any family is. So what was it that I was fearing? Why did I have these thoughts that things would be so uncomfortable? I think a big part of that was because my ego wanted it to be awkward.
I was contemplating on my way home how good things had gone and began to deconstruct where my previous thoughts were coming from. I began to see that there was a part of me that wanted some sort of confrontation. Whether it be about my spiritual path or the falling out, my ego wanted it to happen. Why? Because my ego is all about me. Even if it was negative attention, my ego wanted attention. I was justifying this desire by constructing elaborate scenarios on how I would explain my path to the family and gain their support or understanding. Even how through confrontation, all would be healed in my broken relations with family. But when it all came down to it, it was about me. My need to feel accepted and validated by others.
What I found though was that it’s not about me. Never has been and never will be. The ego will tell you that all eyes are watching you and everyone is concerned about everything you are doing. When in reality, most people really don’t have the time or inclination to do anything close to that. Everyone has their own lives to be concerned with and their own struggles that they are facing. The plain fact is most people really don’t have the energy or desire to be concerned with what path you are following or what you did in the past. They are trying just as hard as you to get through today and find their own way.
The moral of the story here is that the majority of our fears and anxieties are the products of our own mental image. Something inside us projects a negative light onto an otherwise positive scenario and we hold onto that “worst case scenario” instead of simply enjoying the day for what it is. I am grateful to Spirit and to my family for showing me the light this weekend.
Namaste and Bright Blessings to you all!