Back in December, I shared some thoughts in regards to shadow work that I had lined up for myself. It has been a little over two months now since I set myself on this mission of self growth and I wanted to revisit it to see where I am now and how things are progressing. I find that it is important for me to actively check in now and again on my objectives as I am the type of person that sets a lot of goals for myself and if I don’t keep them fresh in my mind, I quickly move on to the next shiny object. To recap my mission from the beginning of this shadow season, I pledged myself to do the following:
- Allow myself to process the feeling
- Be proactive
- Allow myself to fail
- Celebrate every victory
- Accept all feedback with grace
In allowing myself to process the feeling, I had hoped to be able to find and deactivate triggers that fueled my depression and anxiety. My intentions were based around the fact that while I do feel the depression and anxiety, I don’t always take the needed time and steps to really look into why I feel the way I do and how to prevent it. I have been making some progress with this one and there have been some interesting results. At times, I have found that by really processing my emotions, I spend even more time in the negative energy. Even when I feel like I should just let it go and forget it, my push for a deeper understanding has me working into the problem to find the root instead of just covering it up and hoping it goes away on it’s own. In a way, it’s kind of like a dirty wound. It hurts and is likely to get infected so I want to get in and clean the dirt and debris out. But to do so, I need to disturb the wound even more to make sure that I get all the junk out. I could leave it be, bandage it up and hope for the best, but that will most likely leave me with a nasty infection and a permanent scar. If I take the time to suffer through the cleaning, I can bandage it up properly, avoid the infection and likely the scar as well. I’ve had a few of these moments over the past few months and the cleansing times were not fun or easy. But, in taking the time to discover my triggers, I was able to communicate with those involved to find ways to compromise and avoid some of the future anxiety.
Being proactive…hmmm. I still have so much work to do here. This is an area that many of us struggle with and it will be an lifetime challenge of mine. I continue to work on planning and organizing as those are two of the biggest keys to my success in this area. I try to keep myself enough on track to be proactive rather than reactive, but alas, I’m still not very good at it. I will say that in regards to my initial example of getting new tires on my car, I did accomplish that and my drive has been much smoother and less anxiety ridden. So, cheers to me on that one.
Number three, allowing myself to fail. Another aspect of this came in with my drive and desire for this year to push myself into new realms and new ventures. On this aspect, I have been going in overdrive! Shortly after the initial publishing of these pledges, I began my journey on a string of new adventures. I started my own internet radio show, Personal Tarot Radio, here on the Akasha Temple Radio channel. You can tune in Tuesday nights at 7pm central to hear it, too! I accepted an offer to facilitate a ten week Tarot training course for a major Tarot organization. I nominated myself for an open position on the American Tarot Association Board of Directors. I have opened my horizons to working on partnership projects with multiple other lightworkers and readers. In short, I have opened myself up to the opportunities that have come my way and I have said yes to about seventy percent of them. Yes, with all that going on, there were still other opportunities that I forced myself to decline because I just couldn’t do all that I wanted to. What has surprised and pleased me, is that so far I haven’t failed at any of them. Each of these opportunities was nerve-wracking for me to say yes to. The desire was there alright, but so was that fear of failure. In everyone of these situations, I had that anvil looming over my head. I had to fight off the desire to take the easy road and just back out. It hasn’t been easy and I still get nervous that the anvil will fall at any minute. But I push on. I keep going knowing that even if I do fail, it will not be the end of anything. It will just be an opportunity to learn something new.
As I have been exploring these new opportunities and adventures, I have found that at a number of times I am actually excelling and succeeding in them. I have gotten a number of good reviews on the radio show and the number of people listening in has been steady and growing. In the Tarot course, I have been thanked and praised for my delivery of the material and helpfulness outside of class. The ventures that I have been stepping out with have yielded good results and even more opportunities. I am sitting here at a six of wands kind of stage. Races have been won, successes have been made and yet I am no where near completion. I am thankful for every bit of support and encouragement, but I need to keep my nose to the grindstone. Now is not the time to rest on my laurels, now is the time to use these wins to build a strong, successful base for my future.
Lastly, I am thankful that the majority of the feedback I have received has been positive. This makes it much easier to fulfill my pledge and take it with grace. However, there has been some constructive criticism and I know that the more I put myself out there, the more I may encounter negative feedback. I understand that this is inevitable and to a degree I welcome it. Not because I am some sort of glutton for punishment or think that I am somehow above whatever slings and arrows may be thrown. No, I am welcoming it because it will push me to grow even more. For every comment that goes against what I am working towards, I have the opportunity to look for two key things. First, is the fact that I may be wrong. I am not an expert on everything and I have been known to mis-speak here and there. When I am rebuffed by someone who has more accurate information, I seek to adjust my viewpoint and perspective accordingly. Regardless of how the person may present the truth, when it’s true, it’s true and I need to be willing to accept and acknowledge kernels of truth even if they are packaged in junk. Second, negative feedback gives me the opportunity to reinforce and stabilize my viewpoint when I am in the right. It’s one thing to make the initial statement, but it goes to a whole new level when you are put in a position to defend your viewpoints, statements and actions. This is the point that you begin to fully see how much you truly understand your own opinions and perspectives.
I know that I have much more room to grow when it comes to these pledges. I have made some great leaps and strides forward, but I am not quite at my goal yet. It will take more than one season to make lasting improvements but I am confident that I am on the right path. By acknowledging these areas of improvement, I have given myself the greatest tool that I need to be successful. Knowledge is power and knowledge of the self is power unlimited.